Chomp. Chomp. Dead. The Online Comedy Community

I took a Cialis today, to see what all the fuss is about. Now I have a boner. Cialis gives you a boner, but that’s all. No arousal, no desire to mate, just a boner. I’ve always considered it unlawful to waste a good boner, so what am I to do with it? Masturbate you say? What am I, descended from apes? Sex? No, my wife is at work and my cat’s vagina is too small. So, it’s time to think outside the box here, pun intended, and really open new veins of thought on using the boner.

How about cookies? I used my boner as a spatula to mix together the batter of my favourite cookies. Now that they’re baked and ready, I’m going to freeze them for when I have an enemy over for dinner. Imagine the look on their faces when they find out it’s a boner cookie. Perfection.

Baking was great, but my boner remains. What to do? A puppet show is an obvious choice, but I’m trying to pioneer here. How about hunting? That’s perfect. There are some gophers in the park out back. Maybe I can use my boner to knock them dead and penis me up some good eat’n. Alright, I’m pants-less in the park, boner in hand. Maybe i should duck behind something. That bush will be perfect. Good cover. I can see their holes from here. Hmm, no signs of life yet. I see a kid up past the next few trees, maybe he can tell me if these hole are abandoned. ” Hey, kid!” I yell, still naked, holding my boner. “Have you seen any of these little guys today?”

“Gross, mister!” he screams.

“No!” I yelled, ” I meant the gophers,” but it was too late. Dammit. Maybe hunting isn’t such a good idea. Alright, lets really think here… Arts and crafts!

I love painting, so, I’m sure I’ll love boner painting even more. Ok, let’s get out supplies boner! Hmm, not enough light here. Let’s paint in the living room, we can open the windows. Good, this is perfect, now for some colours. Shit, the blue is empty. Fuck, the green is too. Poop, the yellow is all gone. Balls, this is just a primary color kit. Well, if all I have is red, all I have is red. It’ll be a monochromatic masterpiece then won’t it boner? Ooh, paint’s a little cold on my boner. Hey, not bad, it’s pretty easy to get in there. This is looking good. More paint.

There we have it. Pretty good. Shit, someone’s coming in the house. Oh, crap it’s my wife. Um, there’s no sink in here. Ah, um, hmm where’s the cat? The cat. I’ll wipe my boner on the cat.

“Yes, it’s working,” I say to myself out loud.

“What’s working? OH GOD!” my wife screams, “What the fuck, is that blood? Our cat! Nathan! What the fuck?”

She’s right. What the fuck? I still have my boner. “Wanna have sex?” I asked politely, but she is already calling some three digit number. Aw, crap.

Cialis is a wonderful drug. It awakens the utility boner. No longing for sex, no arousal. I don’t need these feelings here in jail. All I need is my Cialis fueled boner, which I will shake vigorously at the other prisoners to ward them off. Hey, that’s use #4 on my list. This stuff is great!