Chomp. Chomp. Dead. The Online Comedy Community

The Canadian government has declared a state of emergency this week as Vancouver has been buried in over three millimeters of an unidentified frozen white substance, shutting down the entire city and killing nearly ten thousand people.

“What the hell is going on?!” shouts a small Asian man, blindly roundhouse kicking at everything that moved. “What is this stuff? Are we under attack? HELP!”

Attempts to flee the city have been disastrous, as every car that manages to start winds up smashing into the house across the street, then into the car on the other side of the street, and eventually sliding into the ocean.

“We’ve got to stick together!” exclaims Steve Togalson, who was swatting at every flake that managed to get near him with a tennis racket. “If we panic, then the flakes have already won!”

Steve continued swatting at the flakes in a mad frenzy, eventually falling down and sliding into the ocean.

Local authorities were baffled by the appearance of the frozen white flakes, and believe they may be gang related.

“We’ve drawn up composites of these flakes and have noticed a pattern,” says Cpl. Anderson, obviously proud of the moustache he was growing. He pointed at the distinctly slanted eyes of the white flakes, and gave us a look that seemed to say ‘here we go again’.

“It’s most definitely gang related.”

The entire city is at a standstill as people valiantly attempt to regain their footing and make it back inside their homes. Many have taken to the streets with hairdryers and extension cords, attempting to drive away the cold white invaders.

“How do you like me NOW?” shouts David Wellwaw while practicing his Battle Face in front of the mirror, his hairdryer by his side in a makeshift holster. “How do you FUCKING like me NOW?”

Dave put his hat on, gave a “let’s do this!” nod to the mirror, and headed outside where he quickly found himself on the ground, sliding into the ocean.

Experts are expecting the crisis to have far reaching effects as over a million of the city’s remaining artists are guaranteed to release excruciatingly bad one-man shows about the incident. Although they could not be reached for comment, the living are expected to envy the dead.